Fear of Failure

Since my neurosurgeon told me to ease back into my normal routine over the next month, I relaxed some of my restrictions over the weekend. I put my own shoes and socks on. There was some discomfort associated with this, mainly due to muscle tightness. I also bent down to pick things off the floor, reducing my need for the grabber or to use my feet like a monkey. I expect this will get better as I stretch the muscles and get them back to a normal range of motion. I also allowed myself to lift a little more weight, but nothing even close to before the surgery.

On Saturday, Holly and I ventured to Home Depot to look at barbeque grills. I didn’t like what they had so we checked out Lowe’s. After looking there, we decided to buy flowers and give up on the grill. She was excited to pick out the special garden center shopping carts that were green and had two platforms. She pushed it around with a big smile on her face and authoritatively suggested flowers to purchase. I let her get most of what she wanted, only denying when the type of flower wouldn’t work in the sunny area where we keep the flower pots.

Holly was most happy to get the marigolds. I think there is some nostalgia for her since she picked them out last summer and they did well. When we got home, she had no interest in planting them and instead rode her bike. Jane and I randomly distributed the flowers amongst the various empty pots. Holly is pleased with the result and has asked several times each day if we should water them again.

Later in the afternoon, after Holly’s skating lesson, my sister asked if we wanted to come over for dinner. Jane and I were worn out and were happy to go if someone was cooking for us. Jane didn’t want pork chops, though, and told my sister that she would bring her own item for the grill. We decided to go to Target to pick up the food for dinner. I ended up buying a grill before we left.

It was nice asking the Target people to load the grill in the truck since my back is recovering. Jane thought it made me feel like less of a man. It wasn’t really that – it was more like I felt bad about burdening the Target employees with lifting the heavy grill box. None the less, I didn’t have to load it and my dad assembled it for me the next day. I told Jane that this back surgery complaint works pretty well and that we should use it in the future if we need assistance with anything!

I was pretty worn out after the weekend. I don’t think I necessarily overdid it, I just think I fatigue more easily right now. I slept very soundly both nights, which, by the way is getting much easier. I can almost roll over now without making too big of a deal about it. I still can’t come to a sitting position from laying flat on my back.

Holly seems to love her new summer camp. Yesterday was the first official day of camp and the Kosher lunch provided by the center was no problem for her. The only days I’m worried about are Sloppy Joe and PBJ days. She claims to hate both of those meals, but I don’t believe I’ve ever seen her try either of them. Maybe I’ll throw a granola bar in her backpack in case she doesn’t eat much.

I think Holly might try to go off the diving board this summer. She hinted at the fact that she thought about it yesterday since the diving board is closer to the side. As you might remember from Jane's entries, last summer she had several opportunities to try. Each time, the potential for fun could not outweigh the fear of jumping. I’m convinced that once she tries, she’ll do it a thousand times. She’s stubborn and afraid of failure just like me though.

I remember as a kid watching my dad and relatives water ski. I wanting to try but I was afraid of falling. Actually, I was probably more afraid of people seeing me fall. I think I was around 8 years old when I finally got the courage to try. I put the skis on and the boat took off. I came up out of the water just fine, but never stood up. I was skiing with my knees bent and my butt almost touching the water. After getting face-full’s of water, I let go of the rope.

I never fell, but didn’t try skiing again. For the next several years, I sat in the back of the boat and watched everybody else ski. I didn’t have a great desire to try anymore, but still studied everyone on the water. When I was about 21 or 22 years old, I was at the lake with my family and Cole. We were out in the boat and Cole decided to try skiing. He tried several times but had a lot of trouble. I wouldn’t say that he failed at it; he just never really got on top of the water and performed with ease.

Succumbing to the pressure of my relatives and my friend, I decided to try. As I hung in the water by the life jacket with the tips of my skis poking out of the water, I felt the butterflies in my stomach. Everyone was watching again. Somebody yelled from the boat to give them a signal when I was ready. I floated for a few more seconds, processing all of the images of my relatives skiing over the last several years. I raised one hand and waved to the boat.

The engine growled and the water churned behind the boat. The nose of the boat rose out of the water and I felt the rope pull me forward. I leaned back against the pull of the rope and was quickly on top of the water. I was skiing. I continued for at least 10 minutes without falling as the boat followed an invisible road around the lake. I felt myself getting tired and decided that before I fell, I would try one ski. I kicked one ski off and made it approximately 10 feet and fell into the water exhausted and elated.

Why didn’t I try again when I was younger? Fear of failure. Perfection. Shyness. All along, I knew that I would be able to ski. I just didn’t want to take a chance of being wrong or failing in my own confidence. I don’t want Holly to suffer from this as I have, but I certainly understand and will always be sensitive to her feelings.